WHY PEOPLE GET DIVORCED
EPISODE 173 of a Daily Dose of Greatness Quest with Trevor Crane
SUMMARY & DAILY QUESTION
Why do people get divorced?
Between my parents, I grew up through 5 divorces. Including, 11 step-brothers and step-sisters, who became ex-step-brothers and sisters.
And… a buddy of mine is currently going through a divorce. And… I believe I could have helped. AND DIDN’T.
So I didn’t want my thoughts on this to be SILENT anymore. On today’s episode of Greatness Quest, I get into it.
Want a “hint” into the #1 reason? People get divorced because of LIES.
“Everyone is a leader. Every leader has a message. Every message must be marketed.” – Trevor Crane
Look into your life… and pinpoint where you’re lying.
Don’t just stop lying. TELL THE TRUTH.
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DIVORCE. I was in the middle of my run this morning. And I just had to stop because a friend of mine is going through divorce right now. And I knew him and his wife before they’re going to get divorced.
And I was just reading a book recently. And I think I know why people get divorced.
I know you’ll love the show.
(INTRO – AUDIO)
Okay. The book I’ve been reading is called Be The Man . The subtext is, the subtitle of that is to stop lying and start leading today.
So I have a belief that every person, that everyone is a leader. And every leader has a message. And every message must be marketed.
Now I’m sharing with you a couple of phrases that I didn’t create. Those aren’t words that are unique to me and there’s the way that they were put in in sequence are not ones that I in my ultimate genius came up with, it’s not my book that I’m sharing with you some of the revelations from.
This is the book, Be The Man and it is what I’m studying and is what I am going to read study and what I am going to own. And it makes a couple of promises. We need to stop lying. We need to start leading.
And now I’m on my way to a conference the next couple of months where we’re going to focus on that message. I just mentioned to you about every one of us being a leader about every one of us having a message and it always needing to be marketed.
So I just, I love the phrase. I’m going to use it, I’m going to borrow it. I’m going to steal it. I’m going to model it, whatever you want to talk about. It is what I believe. So it’s mine now.
Thank you, Russell Brunson. Thank you, Garrett J.White and whoever else it is to help brainstorm out the language.
Now, how does, what does this have to do with divorce?
When I first met my buddy who is now going through a divorce we met hit him and his wife and we’re hanging out and they’re going rate people love them to death both of them husband and wife. Amazing. Love the kids, everything’s great.
We go out to dinner really like a little date night with couples. We get to hang out love them love them to death. And we get to hang out on a regular basis doing different fun things.
And that said, there’s a conversation going on in the background in both of lives that that they never really said to me. And I believe that the woman in this example was talking to my wife about her challenges. But I never spoke to the my buddy about it.
And I regret it. I regret it because it’s now been over a year that I’ve known them and they just announced to their kids that they’re getting divorced. And I could just tell that if I’m sharing this story right now. My wife would like frickin freak out.
She’d say that this is nothing that I should share right now. That it’s too close to home. That it’s too close to some people that we love, and that maybe they’ll hear me talking about this and that I shouldn’t, but I’m not divulging any names.
And so far to me, this is completely within integrity and to share with you a challenging thing that is going on for them significantly and for myself, because I recognize that I failed them.
I had the opportunity to speak with them to connect with both of them about what I saw were some of the things that they could do to to shift I looked into what was going on that’s not my fucking place, right? Like it. I think that that’s often an excuse that we make is we say, Oh, that’s their thing. But I call bullshit on that.
You know, oftentimes just because people put on a smile on their face and they post something nice on Instagram and they they tell the world a lie that everything is happy pappy. It does not mean that that is the truth of what is going on underneath.
And it was it will, you could see it. You could smell it. I could feel it. And I love both of these people. And I didn’t step up and fucking say something. I didn’t do anything as my buddy to come to the gym with me once and he did came to the gym with me once and he did his workout thing. And I do my workout thing. And we didn’t do it again.
And never have we sat down as buddies as brothers. Maybe that’s more of what it is. We did sit down his buddies and we broke bread, who we we ate Ty, we did sit down his buddies, and when they rented a little place on the beach for like a holiday.
And we we sat there looking at Clearwater Beach, and just with our kids and our family, and we just all hung out and pretended that everything was okay when underneath there was something else going on.
And the reason why I believe that people get divorced is that they lie. That’s it.
It’s not like I knew this before today’s session. I mean, I’m not telling you that I, I knew this before. And I and I, and I didn’t tell them.
But here’s the thing. I think that the people that they lie to it starts I think we all lie to ourselves. First, we lie to ourselves about what we want. We lie to ourselves about what we have. We lie to ourselves about the way things are really going on.
We’re not honest. We’re not truly because we don’t say something in the mirror, because it’s because it’s not an external lie where we can we intentionally use our words and language to manipulate the outside world because we don’t see it as that we don’t consider ourselves liars.
And it’s socially acceptable to go ahead and smile at everybody while we’re out. And so that smile is the lie. And it’s not that you can’t smile in the moment I get it. Hey, we can be happy that we’re sharing this drink. We can be happy that I’m hanging out at this party.
But the lie is that we have start lying to ourselves. And then we lie to our significant other.
One of the greatest things I have done for my relationship with my wife is that every single night we ask, we do what we call questions. I’ve shared this before, you should go back into my podcast if you want to know what those questions are, and going to them in depth.
But this gives us a chance every single night we’ve done it for almost 3000 days in a row. I kept track of how many days I’ve exercised, which is like 2800 and some odd days starting as of today.
And so I’m nearing 3000 thinking about what I want that to be. But almost at the same time, within a week or so my wife and I started doing these questions and every single evening we connect with each other.
We talk about openly and honestly about what we’re grateful for. About what we accomplished during the day about we what we love about one another. We sure one thing that I love about the other person.
And then she shares it with me. And that what makes me feel loved. So she and I know how we can better communicate our love to each other.
And I thought that those questions would just now illuminate my truth here about the difference between truth and lies. But I guess it doesn’t, because that is the time that I get to reflect on how open and honest I am being with my wife.
And the truth is, I don’t think I have a secret from my wife. I can’t think of something that she does not know. Except for little minutia detail that is not relevant to her and maybe some bullshit that I went through.
And stories that I had happened to me when I was younger, which I’m sure will come up in the next 90 years that we’re married to each other or hundred and you say I want to live to 227 so we got 100 and we got a lot of time we get to 200 years somehow would that be cool to live the 227 be a healthy vibrant friggin whatever that gets possible.
Okay so lies. I was reading in the book was the forward or was a chapter one I can’t remember but if you get the book Be The Man which I highly advise that you do whether you’re a man or a woman.
That you look into and find the truth inside of there that are relevant to you does the book and every word of it resonate with me no nor does any human but I’m not looking to resonate with every word and I’m not going through every challenge that and every pain and and completely perfectly in line with everything in any message from anyone ever in the history of anything.
I’m unique. I’m on my own path and so I don’t get caught up in oh well that’s not me. I don’t I don’t know that that thing right there isn’t relevant to me. I’ve never really felt like that. I’ve never done this. I’ve never done that bullshit. I get it. You haven’t.
That’s cool, you’re good. move past that and find the truth. Find the things that you do resonate with. And as I was reading this book, and going through those realizations myself this morning, it was talking about it.
Garrett J. White said in this book that the problem or the lies that we tell ourselves and others, and I recognize it in my friends that are going through the divorce right now.
Now, I don’t know, maybe the entire truth would have been told at that stage, and then they would still be getting divorced. That’s totally fine. Like, I am very grateful that I am not with the woman who I had my daughter with.
She and I were in love. We got pregnant. I was elated from the very outset, as soon as she said pregnant, I was like, I would have thought as a guy would have been like, Oh my god, I’d probably freak out. I didn’t die guy. I celebrated it was the coolest thing ever.
And so I’m just really grateful. That was one of the biggest gifts I’ve ever gotten in my life was getting my daughter and then another one was the fact that I am not in an intimate relationship with her mother anymore. I did. It wasn’t a comfortable breakup, wasn’t comfortable at all.
But what a phenomenal gift to be broken up. So it is entirely possible that there’s a relationship that shouldn’t take that you should break that you should sever that’s fine. I’m not saying this wasn’t the secret to not getting divorced. This is just why people get divorced.
And maybe the truth is, is that if people tell the truth and that they are better off, getting divorced and staying together, I know that when my parents split up, and I went through five divorces with my parents from different relationships on my mother and my father, when they got married, got divorced, got married, got divorced.
Step brothers and sisters know step brothers and sisters, brothers and sisters knows that brothers and sisters one thing I saw and all that was fuck that don’t want to get married and divorced that many fucking times.
I’m going to choose to marry the woman I’m I meant to marry the woman and I’m going to give her fucking everything. Everything I can my soul and I’m not going to hide anything from her.
So I am bragging a little bit but not really bragging I am just like celebrating the fact that my wife and I like I could not be happier and you guys if you don’t know I mean my wife is like the shit so I this is not like all you’re going to look at her into all of course you love her see what she’s doing with their lives they of course like what is there not to love about her so I picked an amazing woman.
But what I get to show up and what this book has reminded me and what I decided to stop in the middle of my run to just share with you is the cause of divorce because I’m feeling the pain for my friends that are going through this for themselves and for their kids.
And hey, it’s okay. they’ll survive like it’s all good. You know, their their kids will will pull through and it’ll make them stronger and happier. And when my parents split up like they should not have been together. I had to stand there and watch my dad strike my mom when they were fighting and at the time I tried to step.
I was 12 years old or something, 13, maybe I don’t remember exactly. And I tried to protect my mom stand between this big man who had just hit her and I wanted to protect her.
But up until seconds before that happened, the one who was actually striking the blows, it was my mom. And she wasn’t doing it with her fists. She was doing it with their words. And I had sat there and also witnessed how those cut much deeper into my dad’s soul and into his heart than any blows could have.
And up until the moment when he reached out to strike back and and this is not making him right in this not making my mom right. This is not them at their best, not who they are in their authentic core, but it’s where things had gone.
Up until that moment, I wanted to defend my dad and I was tough because as a kid I love both of these guys and I thought for a long time as a kid my parents were absolute truth were absolute love.
That they knew better than the president because they were the end all be all they were the word if it was okay to do it’s because they said it.
And then at one stage is before this I noticed that my parents made mistakes and that they were flawed and they weren’t perfect and I saw it that day, vivid technicolor.
And I think it all came from not just the lies to each other. What to the lies they’ve been telling themselves so dumb done a couple podcasts recently online recognizing that there realized in my life I didn’t even know that I was telling ones that were covert ones that were beneath the surface ones that were lying about who I wanted to be.
And and a lot lie that was subtle because so focused on all of the gratitude and the happiness and the things that I’ve got and the things that distract me that I wasn’t taking the time to really focus on what I truly wanted and and how I wanted to spend my time and who I wanted to hang out with and what I’m going to do with this life.
And the biggest lie I was telling was to myself and I think it’s possible that there is a divorce coming for you and for me in another area of our life. Hopefully it’s not are significant I’m not saying that I’m saying that there might be something you need to divorce yourself from like I said, maybe the divorces the gift.
I didn’t want to see my parents together anymore. They were burning each other down. I was grateful when the divorce was announced, not upset because things had not been happy pappy around our in our country and in kids can feel it.
And I suspect that there’s something in your life that it’s time for you to cut out, to divorce yourself from whether it is something physical or something mental. It is either a belief you have which is entirely possible.
It’s time to destroy and divorce yourself from an old belief that you created when you were a teenager or you created when you’re in your 20s or you created it some time for something to to protect you and to help you and to serve you and that is phenomenal.
I’m grateful that you had that but it is also entirely possible that it’s time for you to tell the truth and divorce yourself from that belief or that behavior that you’ve been committed to doing for so long but it’s just not serving you at the level it needs to serve you anymore.
And that by holding on to it whatever it is that belief that behavior that something that job that business that pattern that what you’re doing doesn’t fucking make sense you know blockbuster did this and they don’t exist anymore Blockbuster Video.
I think you can probably remember at least at time you can look it up on Google of about a time that there was this thing called Blockbuster Video and it was pretty hot and it was making good 10s of dollars that’s a real number and they chose not to change they chose not to look at what was going on.
And then they ended up losing the whole ship and look at all the businesses Circuit City to be my my cup my place to go man to buy my TV to buy a stereo to buy something I go to Circuit City they don’t exist anymore we got BestBuy Circuit City went out of business how many fail how many failures happen because people fail to divorce themselves from what’s going on what’s not working.
And I don’t want that to happen to us. So as I mentioned this to you about lies and about divorce. The challenge I have for you is to again, I’m going to say this again is to look into your life to see where are you telling your lies. This get you what are you lying?
I got a buddy of mine who I love to death. And he’s in a relationship that when we do connect, and we reconnect every couple of months, every six months Come on guys, ladies were guys like we don’t i don’t just jibber jabber chat with my guy friends that often you guys are pain in the ass that way.
But when we pick ourselves up and it’s been six months since we’ve chatted, it’s like we picked up we were just talking yesterday. But the interesting thing is it wasn’t yesterday. It’s months in between the times that we chat.
And when we chat he typically tells me about some hope dream and then he he doesn’t really call it a hope or dream. He refers to it as what he alludes to it like I know that the hope or the dream is there and he says that he doesn’t want to go there because of the relationship he’s in.
And he’s concerned about what that’s going to mean to his relationship and God bless this dude like honestly he’s looking at love first, which is one of my rules. I love it but I constantly am when we’re communicating and I hear him say this.
I’m always wondering like why he is why is holding back his truth and I don’t know that he is but now that I’m mentioning it and I’m talking about this as an opportunity missed with my friend is going through the divorce that I should at least talk to him and tell him my truth.
I don’t want to by the way I don’t want him it’s not comfortable it’s not socially acceptable he’s not gonna like it and and he’s going to defend his perspective and what he’s doing fucking straight up like come on guys and ladies he really we don’t do what we we don’t do something without a belief that we’re doing the right thing.
And so somebody tells us a you know what I’m asking a question about whether or not you’re doing the right thing like the first thing I want to do is defend how what I’m doing right now is the way that it’s supposed to be that because I’m not doing it intentionally to fuck up me or someone else or anything.
And so I know it’s going to be a slight uncomfortable conversation but it’s one I’m on the half and it’s one that I will have because I just decided it.
So my challenge for you today is to look into your life and and discover where you’re telling a lie.
And I just discovered one just now with you and talking about this situation because I did not share with him my truth that I feel like he oftentimes chooses to mute the passion and the purpose that he has inside because he’s concerned how that’s going to affect his relationship. And I love him for his caring for the people that he loves.
But I know that he is meant to be unleashed. And he’s one of the most powerful, amazing people that I know. Just hands down one of the most loving, amazing, intelligent, hardworking, he is one of the fucking coolest people on the planet.
And he’s capable of doing absolutely fucking anything. And I know that he chooses to play small and I know that oftentimes that decision to play small happens because he’s trying to protect the people around him that he loves most when my guess is if here to set himself on fire that he would do nothing but bring up everyone around him. Including the people that he loves most that he’s trying to protect that they can’t wait to see this motherfucker unleashed.
And by the way no one would ever know and ever that this guy isn’t completely live in that way every single day. The only way I say reason I say this is because I know what he’s capable of. And I have a feeling what’s going on inside of his heart. And I know he is searching.
So thank you for the time today as I discovered that I have to go talk to my buddy and is he going to like me for it? Um, I don’t know. But I don’t care. I’m not in a friendship with him because I’m there to be liked. Been a friendship with him and I owe him my honesty and I’ll and I’ll give him back.
And it and it doesn’t mean that I expect him to take it. I do. I don’t want it to change anything unless he wants to change anything and I may be entirely but as frickin wrong. So that’s not my point and I want you to this is this show is not about you going out and having some kind of frickin confrontation with someone either.
I just discovered a lie that I’m telling and it is to my buddy by not saying something and. Do you see the correlation here? I see it good like glowingly like it’s a neon sign a year ago my body and I had a buddy that’s going through a divorce right now.
I could sense something was going on I could feel it and I all I had to do was open the door to have a conversation with him to start the process. I have helped so many people in these challenging circumstances and people and and yeah I didn’t say a fucking word and people are suicidal sometimes when she gets fuckin ugly they on one face.
My buddy Stephen committed suicide this last year and I you did a Facebook Live a couple of days before his suicide chat fucking smiling and being fucking happy showing the world how great he is giving people their his two cents of advice.
And yet he burned it all down a couple days later and stood in front of the truck so lives truth in the middle of my workout today while the cars in my neighborhood are driving by. That’s the background noise. It’s either loud birds or cars or buses or kids or deer or when but that’s where I’m at right now.
Okay longer than I wanted to give you. Why do I always do that? I always oftentimes on this show. I will talk about how it took a little bit extra time to get to the point of what I wanted to come to.
I think the reason I do it is that I want to value your time. And I’d rather be here for five minutes and give you something so freakin profound that you could get to hell in and get out and go go live your day.
And then when I find myself looking up and I’ve been talking for 10,15, 20, 24 minutes right now as I’m glancing at the clock that I I respect and value your time so much. I want to give it to you with more brevity.
So I don’t know if that’s accurate. And if that’s the appropriate way to look at this. I do think that I want to stop apologizing for the amount of time I’ve taken from you. And hey, this is the me in the middle of my truth trying to figure it out. I don’t fucking know if you’d like to respond to me and give me some some feedback.
Or whether or not you want along and you want to support your whatever then that would be cool because maybe that gives me a little bit of an idea of how I can shift as honestly this is me talking to me and you just heard me discover a truth that I want to share with a friend of mine.
And that’s not this, the end scope of how I’m going to ask this question to myself about the lies that I tell myself today. It’s just the beginning. So go out there and ask this question to yourself and find something and then do something about it. Don’t get divorced, if you shouldn’t be divorced. And if you find something, you tell the truth and it’s time for you to end something.
I think that’s probably pretty accurate for us all that there’s time for something we’ve done for a long time that needs to end. What is it? Tell the truth.
I’ll talk to you tomorrow on another daily dose of greatness quest.
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